作者介绍

　　咪蒙

　　文学硕士、专栏作者、媒体编辑，于韩寒杂志《独唱团》首期发表文章《好疼的金圣叹》。以恶搞历史、解构名人、颠覆常识为己任。想和庄子聊聊门、听墨子讲讲小孔成像、跟李白一起研究、拜李清照为师苦学赌术。

　　在《女报》长期负责撰写“读经典”栏目，被她气哭的古人包括“大唐古惑仔：李白”、“宋代文坛小s：李清照”、“唐朝劈腿天王：元稹”、“娱乐圈潜规则发明人：李渔”等。她自称是文学硕士中肤浅的，媒体编辑中恶趣味的，专栏作者中拖稿严重的。作为一个字恋症患者，人生一大憾事就是好句子又被别人写走了。

　　内容提要

　　杜甫，出身于主旋律公务员世家，小时候是五道杠，看《新闻直播》都会佩戴红领巾，觉得是国家大事。

　　李白在文坛、黑道、皇宫、隐士圈都混得开，就是个会写诗的韦小宝。

　　纪晓岚是性瘾者、清朝西门庆，一天不做五次爱会死。

　　墨子是谢耳朵式的科学怪人，开创了一个高科技黑帮。

　　郑板桥白天装穷叫苦做忧国忧民状，晚上花钱养宠与美少年乱搞，在正人君子和猥琐大叔之间自由切换。

　　说屈原是gay，爱慕楚怀王，有人说，怎么可以污蔑爱国文人！

　　说辛弃疾，有人说，怎么可以污蔑爱国诗人！

　　说李清照好赌，有人说，怎么可以污蔑爱国词人！

　　不过，偷偷说，爱国和、好赌、搞gay不冲突啊！

　　嘘！

　　圣人24小时滚动伟大，好人365日天天崇高，让人毛骨悚然。

　　我们不可以讲伟人的坏话，因为他们都无缺，吃饭睡觉都是表率，至死还保留着守宫砂。

　　我们也不可以质疑英雄的言行，因为他们打出的喷嚏是矿泉水，拉出的屎都是工整的圆柱体。

　　我们也不太挑死人的毛病，因为中国人热爱死人，“死者为大”，这话本义是对死者的尊重，但很多时候发展成对死者的美化。人一死，道德层面自动升级，普通的成了美好的，美好的成了崇高的，崇高的成了不朽的。

　　于是，那些死了很久的古人，一个个被化好妆，涂上意识形态的油彩，京剧脸谱似的，按生旦净末丑几种角色分配好。台上的，照着剧本演；台下的，乖乖跟着念。遵照各自的原始设定，是演员和看客的天职。

　　历史学不是神学。让古人们卸了妆，不再饰演悬在空中的文化符号或政治图腾，而是回归人性，展露出各种款式的人格分裂来。一个诗意盎然的流氓、一个一往情深的泡妞专家、一个宅心仁厚的嫖客、一个精神错乱的女侠这种突兀的搭配，多令人向往。而干巴巴的“爱国文人”四个字，才是存天理、灭人欲，既，又避孕。有时候甚至拿来当成，让人活在社会的昏迷中、政治的昏迷中、历史的昏迷中。

Introduction of the author

Mimon

Master of Arts, columnist, media editor, published an article in the first issue of Han Han magazine "Solo Troupe", "Jin Sheng Sigh". It is its mission to spoof history, deconstruct celebrities and subvert common sense. I want to talk to Zhuangzi about the door, listen to Mozi talk about keyhole imaging, study with Li Bai, and worship Li Qingzhao as a teacher to learn gambling.

In the "Female newspaper" for a long time responsible for writing "read the classic" column, she was angry to cry the ancients including "the Tang Dynasty ancient child: Li Bai", "Song Dynasty literary circle small s: Li Qingzhao", "Tang Dynasty cheating king: Yuan Zhen", "entertainment circle hidden rules inventor: Li Yu" and so on. She claims to be the superficial of the MA, the bad of the media editor, the worst of the columnists. As a word lover, one of life's great regrets is that good sentences are written by others.

Content summary

Du Fu, born in the family of the main theme civil servants, was five bars when he was a child, and would wear a red scarf when watching "News Live", feeling that it was a national event.

Li Bai in the literary world, the underworld, the palace, the hermit circle are mixed, is a poetry writing Wei Xiaobao.

Ji Xiaolan is a sex addict, Ximen Qing Dynasty, do not have sex five times a day will die.

Mozi is Sheldon's kind of Frankenstein who started a high-tech gangster.

Zheng Banqiao during the day to do the poor complain about the country and the people, night spend money to pet with the beautiful young man, free to switch between the gentleman and the obscene uncle.

Said Qu Yuan is gay, love King Huai of Chu, some people say, how can you slander patriotic literati!

Say Xin Qiji, some people say, how can you slander the patriotic poet!

Said Li Qingzhao good gambling, some people said, how can you slander the patriotic poet!

However, secretly say, patriotic and, good gambling, do not conflict with gay ah!

SHH!

Saints roll great 24 hours, good people 365 days every day lofty, creepy.

We must not speak ill of great men, for they are all missing, eat and sleep as examples, and retain palace sand until death.

Nor can we question the words and deeds of heroes, because their sneezes are mineral water, and their excretions are neat cylinders.

We also do not find fault with the dead too much, because the Chinese love the dead, "the dead are great", the original meaning of this is respect for the dead, but often developed into the beautification of the dead. When people die, the moral level is automatically upgraded, the ordinary becomes beautiful, the good becomes sublime, and the sublime becomes immortal.

As a result, those ancient people who died for a long time were made up one by one, painted with ideological oil paint, like Peking Opera facial makeup, and assigned to several roles according to Sheng Dan net end ugly. On stage, follow the script; Off the stage, just say it. It is the duty of actors and viewers to follow their original setting.

History is not theology. Let the ancient people take off their makeup, no longer play cultural symbols or political totems hanging in the air, but return to human nature, showing a variety of styles of personality split. A poetic rogue, a passionate expert in picking up girls, a good-hearted Johns, a deranged woman this sudden combination, how desirable. And the dry "patriotic literati" four words, is the existence of nature, destroy human desire, both, and contraception. Sometimes it is even used as a way to let people live in a social coma, a political coma, and a historical coma.